dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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