Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
