I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize