I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
