somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There are leaves in my underwear?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize