i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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