I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
