So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
