R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
