Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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