Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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