i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
