somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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