.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize