The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
