the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
