Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i out mim tonsoeep
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize