Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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