Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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