yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
