Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
