I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
