You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
