I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
