So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
