Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
