Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
