i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
