id be glad to
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize