That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
