God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
