Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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