my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
