I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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