Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
