I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
