I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
