You smell like stripper and shame
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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