I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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