My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
