fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
