i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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