Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
