seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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