Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
