I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
