My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am spending my child support on dildos
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
