Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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