A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
