then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
