3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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