It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
