Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
