I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
