Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
