wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
