I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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