weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
