either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
