i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize