Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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