Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
