Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
