I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He kissed a someone with a penis
honey bunches of taint.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
