i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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