that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize