I just made out with a guy for $7.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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