Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
