You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
