He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
