I want to walk on stilts...naked
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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