and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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