dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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