I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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